im drinking this country out of the recession.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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