I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
