He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
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Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
This toilet bowl is my home.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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