I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
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I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
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Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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