god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
i now understand why vodka
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
