I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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