mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
