Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
