Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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