I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Sober January is a disaster.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
