turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
You took a bar mat shot.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
