I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I need to calm my uterus...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
