I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize