She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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