That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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