It's a beautiful day for a hangover
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Randomize
