He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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