So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
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Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
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I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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