Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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