i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
