She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
