Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
