I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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