I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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