They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
