I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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