I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
she woke up with a sticky ear
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Holy shit dude........stairs
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