It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
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