There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
