Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
