Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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