I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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