Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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