Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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