did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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