mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Randomize
