just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
