I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
