Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
