WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Im part way to drunk.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
