She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
