So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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