so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
