Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
