Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
