My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
