we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
