Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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