I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
