Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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