So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
