college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
