How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
