Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
