you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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