don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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